Recipe: Steak Ale Cheese Pie

Okay, first a piece of warning. If you ever find yourself heading off for a week with 25 other family members then offering to cook a pie is a bad idea. Now where do I start ….?

I’ve cooked Jamie Oliver’s Steak, Ale and Cheese pie before and it’s excellent. It’s not overly difficult and if you know how to roll out some pasty, then you’ve pretty much nailed it. Easy I thought to do for the whole clan but no.

The pain starts when my mum hands me 7 kg of frozen steak, then I proceed to leave it at her house. Not a great start since now I don’t have enough time to prepare the filling. Even once I’m reunited with the steak it refuses to defrost.

Next I try cooking the filling in a massive, and I mean massive, pot but a 7(!!!) times recipe is an enormous amount to cook in a domestic kitchen. I overflow into a second massive pot. Both pots are still full and near impossible to stir.

The plan is now to put the mixture in the oven for a couple of hours and I sit back to finish off the beer. No way. Pot number #1 just about fits into the oven but pot #2 needs to sit on the stove. And needs near constant stirring just to stop it burning on the bottom.

After hours of nursing the pots I eventually finish. I pour the mixture into large metal trays and leave to cool.

In the morning I now need to put the filling into the freezer but I have 5 huge metal trays with sloppy contents. And my two freezers already have plenty of food in them.

I find space on the top shelf and start to stack the trays however the weight of the top trays crushes and the lower tray emits a volcanic lava flow all down the back of the freezer. Every shelf and food container was caught in its path.

An hour later I have cleaned up the mess and left one freeze empty just for the trays. The original food from the freeze has been discarded across the floor and I blank out that I need to tackle that problem later. 5 trays on 4 shelves doesn’t go so I spend another half-an-hour creating a clever platform for the 5th tray. Done.

Cooking was no easier since the house we were living in again only had domestic cookers. And I had a lot of pies. Pies that normal took 45 minutes to cook took 2 hours. Massive pots of veg and potatoes couldn’t get hot enough to boil so everything constantly needed juggled.

It is amazing, but the final pie was still rather good (i've had to score it down a little since it wasn't perfect). Lots of people returned for extra potions. Mind you, if you starve people until 9pm you can pretty much guarantee your guests will eat anything you put in front of them!

The recipe can be found here

Event: Play Golf

The ceiling in my upstair's hallway has a crack along it. Although this could be due to the weight of empty T.V. and hifi packing boxes (many of which have long died) my wager is on the mass of games I've collected. Every birthday and Christmas since I could walk I've been accumulating an impressive collection of games. I enjoy games and there is almost none I've never played. Except one. Golf.

Steve eventually plays a round of golf

Years of holiday Crazy Golf has nutured my belief that Golf is just the same but with more sticks and less windmills. That's not to say that there isn't great skill in it, but come on, do you really need a massive bag of clubs to knock a ball a couple of hundred metres into a hole?

So while celebrating my mum and dad's 50th anniversary I took the opportunity to grab Ron and brother Andy to show me what golf is really about and to navigate me through the etiquette minefield. In order to prevent me looking a right chump, I also convinced my brother Mark to also tackle his first round.

On the day, the sun shone bright, and all 4 of us fired our balls in all directions, although Mark and I were definitely the junior players. Mark did however hit a couple of cracking straight balls then proceeded to follow up by ducking his ball in the pond. Oh well this seems to be the nature of the game.

A big shout out needs to go to Norman who pulled together bags, balls, clubs, shoes, gloves and even baseball cap for Mark and me so that we could look the part. The couple of hours he gave us at the driving range were also invaluable. Thanks.

Ultimately a very pleasurable day and I certainly look forward to having a rematch.

Competition: Win meal for 2

Marston's Pubs Meal for two with bottle of wine £1000 daily draw Daily/Monthly

http://www.rateyourvisit.co.uk

Recipe: Scottish Tablet

For my Mum and Dad's 50th anniversary week-away, I was going to be spending plenty of time with native Scots. I decided that an appropriate recipe would include a healthy quantity of sugar, sweetened milk with a massive blob of butter for good measure. Traditional Scottish Tablet fitted the bill just perfect.

Given this is a simple and traditional sweet, I was surprised how different each of the recipes were. In the end I based my attempt on one but added some vanilla essence for a deeper flavour.

Verdict: It was easy to make however the tablet didn’t quite fully transform all the sugars and the result was a little grainy. Still tasty however I was reliably informed from Mum that heating the sugar slowly was probably a better plan than the quick approach described in the recipe.

The recipe can be found here

Film Review: David Brent: Life on the Road

David Brent returns as the cringe-worthy, wannabe from The Office. He no longer manages a team but is a Sales Rep selling sanity products but he really wants to be a lead singer in a band. The story tells how he parks the day job, puts together a band and tours around Slough. At times you are hiding behind your hands wishing you could skip past the embarrassing scene then the next minute there is a true laugh-out-loud joke. Although this type of comedy worked well for me in a 30 minute The Office episode, extending to a movie was just tiring. The jokes may have worked better split over 3 shorts on BBC2 but it’s a challenge to sit through 1 ½ hours of it. The Office also had some great characters which Brent was able to bounce off, but Life on the Road lacks these key roles. His interactions with his fellow Sales Reps doesn’t always ring well and it feels rather pathetic rather than setting up the next giggle. Ultimately I cannot recommend this film, but if you still want to endure it then I suggest you go and see another movie and wait for this to hit the small screen. Given the BBC is one of its production companies, it’s unlikely to be a long wait.

Ricky Gervais Dir: Ricky Gervais Genre: Comedy "I'm a friend first, boss second. Probably an entertainer third."

Recipe: Chilli con carne meatballs with sweet peppers & black beans

This recipe came recommended by the sister-in-law based on some posh food parcels she occasionally gets delivered. Kinda like take-away food but you still have to prepare it, cook it and wash up afterwards. Hmmmmm. I think I'll stick to fish 'n chips

I had problems getting a tin of black bean from Asda so ended up with black eye beans. Now I was gambling these are similar but with just a little less black but I’m sure someone will rip me a line on this one. Anyway, for better or worse, I got a bean which wasn’t the boring old kidney variety.

The recipe was easy and I quickly pulled it together.

There was general agreement from the family on this one (it had to happen one day!):

• Meat balls: OK
• Rice: OK
• Sauce: Boring

Although the meatballs and rice were fine the sauce was just plain boring Veggie Mush. In classic chilli meatballs, the sauce is spiced and pulls the whole dish together, but with the spice in the meatballs the rice was left wanting.

The recipe can be found here

Film Review: Jason Bourne

Four years after Bourne Legacy, Jason Bourne is back! Same old story, Bourne (Matt Damon) needs to find out more about all the stuff he's forgotten but the CIA Head (Tommy Lee Jones) is all out to kill him. There's no shortage of pace as the action flips through Greece, Iceland, Germany, England and USA to destroy or kill whatever's in the way. The computer technology would be more at home with Captain Kirk on the USS Enterprise rather than modern day America and I found myself smirking a few times as impossible situations are saved with the simple click of a mouse. Don't expect any significant development of the film's leading characters but as long as you leave your brain outside, and you enjoy some awesome chase scenes, Jason Bourne is a good night spent.

Matt Damon, Tommy Lee Jones Dir: Paul Greengrass Genre: Action "You Know His Name"

Album Review: Blurryface/Twenty One Pilots

My daughter goes crazy over these guys so I though I would investigate a bit more. I appreciate that this album's been around since May 2015 so its already been well trialled (and loved) but heck I'm reviewing anyway.

Heavydirtysoul Stressed Out Ride Fairly Local Tear In My Heart Lane Boy The Judge Doubt Polarize We Don't Believe What's On TV Message Man Hometown Not Today Goner

The duo (Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun) from Ohio continue their mixture of electropop and hip hop with a very strong album. Stressed Out hops along with a cheery rhythm and before long you’ve joined in. Ride is again another great track that gets you signing along. The big sounds in Tear in My Heart weave super drums and keyboard punctuation around Tyler’s skilled vocals. Great production has taken the rather basic Polarize and elevated it to something nearing the quality of the other stronger tracks. The rest of the album has a mixture of okay and sing along tunes. The boys appear to write many of their songs to the same formula and hence nothing stands out as particularly weak but there’s a little risk the ear could get tired nearer the end of the album. The final track, Goner, provides mainly piano and Tyler's voice so giving us that break we yearned, before a final vocal explosion. Other reviewers have made comparisons with their previous album, Vessel, and how Blurryface doesn't quite live up to the former. As I haven't listened to Vessel yet I can't make any comparison but if there's any chance its better than this album then I'll definitely be checking it out.

Competition: Win holiday in Kos

Telegraph with Olympic Holidays offering 7 nights for 2 in Kos. Draw date: 20th Oct 2016

www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/destinations/europe/greece/captivating-holidays/win-a-seven-night-holiday-to-kos/

Album Review: Viola Beach/Viola Beach

A posthumous debut album from a british Indie group who were killed in car accident while touring in Sweden. The album reached number 1 in the UK in August 2016. The album was released with the support of the band's family.

Swings and Waterslides+ Like a Fool Go Outside Cherry Vimto Drunk Really Wanna Call Call You Up Get to Dancing (Live BBC Session) Boys That Sing

Immediately the album opens it reminds me of Oasis's early days with "Swings and Waterslides". Flashes of my university days come rushing back and I see the dreamy image of students bouncing along while safeguarding their plastic beakers of booze. "Like a Fool" is a little weak and doesn’t really know what it’s about and mixes genres too much for my liking. “Go Outside” is a great sing-along even if it feels just a little short. “Cherry Vimto” melancholy sounds and the singing match perfectly while “Drunk” hits the accelerator, and although a rather basic drum driven rhythm, is not in any way unpleasant. “Get To Dancing” is from a live session for the BBC and shows greater development than many of the other songs and a more band synergy comes over. It’s clear why “Boys That Sing” was choosen for one of the two singles, and for this listener it is easily the best sound on the album. As a debut album, Viola Beach showed great potential and although some of the music is a little simple it is clear that they had skills in song writing. Their tragic deaths is made worse when its seems that these boys were very clearly on their way to make some even greater music in the future.

Event: Visit Tenerife

Ok, so you could say that since I've previously holidayed in Fuerteventura and Lanzarote that logging Tenerife as one of the 50 things is a little cheap. We'll yes and no.

11 days above 30 degrees (peaking at 43 degrees!) of almost pure blue skies is always worth crowing about. Since it’s my 50 things and I set the rules, here I go with some of the highlights. CRAW! CRAW!

Heather became a qualified scuba diver, and in doing so proved that with enough dynamite it is possible for her to rise up before 8am several days in a row.

One trip was to the famous Siam Park. Being filled with some of the most amazing water slides meant that we could stand in long queues while being frazzled by the 34 degree sun, before cooling off with a 20 seconds, million gallon dousing. Well-rinsed, we would then burn our feet on the searing concrete before repeating once again. Fantastic day all the same.

Sorry no exciting photographs to go with this because water and electronics is never a health mix.

Guess what my family are doing in this picture? Yes they all joined the Pokémon Go club and spend hours flicking pictures round and round, and balls up and down. This was however very positive since unlike previous holidays I was never short of a volunteer when I asked “Does anyone want to go for a pointless walk to see around the place?”

The dormant volcano, Mt. Teide, has created some fantastic scenery which meant that we had to plough through 873 pictures to select a single image for this blog spot. Hope you like it.

Throughout the week we spent most of time trying to avoid Adam's nagging to go into the pool. Using a strict rotation policy, each of us was blessed with some sunbathing time at the expense of some “Tag! Your turn!” time.

Some natural volcanic pools make great places to practice your bombing techniques.

First it was 'Word with Friends'. Then it was Crazy Golf. Finally it was Target Shooting.

Sorry Love but it just wasn't your day. :)

Competition: Win Holiday

Photograph entry with APH blow up ball although random draw. APH with 3 prizes on offer: 1st Prize: £500 worth of holiday vouchers 2nd Prize: Kindle Fire HD 10 runners-up prizes of 8 days’ APH park & ride airport parking Draw date: 8th Sep 2016

http://www.aph.com/community/holidays/aph-summer-competition-snap-and-win/